The Heavy Crown

     " Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown, Don't Let the Greatness get You Down"
                                                                     -  Katy Perry -

Today the eldest of the two younger sisters got a hold of me on my cellphone..."Where are you?"  was the primary question.  Where am I?,  I wonder..."I don't think that information is important," I replied, and proceeded to ask her what she was doing.

She mentioned that our father had just left her house, and was inquiring as to my whereabouts.  "That is interesting," I replied, "as he knows exactly where I am."

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The intervention that I had previously mentioned in another blog post was attended by both of my sisters, and the Mistress in early July of this year;  The youngest of the two I still had a major beef with.  I had played 'Mom' to her from the approximate age of 13 to around 17 or 18, because she was being beaten by my father.  I had to take her in a second time when she graduated from private school, but was expelled 2 days before the graduation ceremonies due to drinking and fornicating.  My father, being the model of generosity sent her back to Canada without a cent to her support.  Again she became my financial burden until I married.  After my wedding, we did not speak for years...she did not need me anymore.

At the intervention both sister attested and proclaimed their love and devotion for me.  The youngest then made the offer that if the situation called for it, my daughter and I could stay with her.  The elder of the two said plenty in regards to her affection through her tears, but offered nothing...albeit she makes $250,000+ a year.  She, like my father love their wallets much more than me, and my daughter.

I left with the eldest sister a 2.5ct diamond solitaire, as well as 2 diamond watches, and other valuable pieces.  I told her to give the diamond and the diamond watches to my daughter when she turned 21 years of age, the balance was to be given to her on her 18th birthday.

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Just before I left the Mistress' house a week ago, I had two difficult converstions with my family.  The youngest of the two who had offered me a place to stay in the event that it was required, renegged her offer due to the cat....She did not want the cat in the house. Hence, the shelter is where I now find myself.  The second call was from my father.

My father is very busy trying to impress the elder of the two younger sisters...reason one, she is the boy that he never had, and secondly, due to her income.  As he has money, he thinks that she is now his 'social equal'.  I was his social equal until the divorce started, and I had to 'purchase' my daughter through the legal system.  (Oh, there is another blog to post!!)  Now that I have no money, and cannot pay back what I borrow, I have been cut off.  I told my father that he was sentencing me to a woman's shelter...His reply, "Do it!! Get off your ass, and review your priorities.  Your priorities are completely fucked up!" 

What are my priorities? you ask.  Here they are:

1.  Getting help with my depression, and trying to put myself priority for the first time in a VERY long time.  I need to get out of this nervous breakdown rut that I am prisoner in, and get my health back; Then, and only then, can I get back to work.

2.  My daughter.  She too needs her mother back, and desperately needs another psychiatrist.  Her psychiatrist dumped her in June, as he had decided to re-specialize;  Now I have to find a new one.  She has ADHD and ODD which has been exacerbated by stress.  She has now lost her home,...thankfully not her beloved cat yet, who is living in the parking lot in my truck!....and has no security in the documents "Mummy" purchased because they have not been filed!!  (yet another post to follow at some point)  Poor child!

3.  Try and find an income

4.  Try and find a home

5. Get my daughter into school in the next few weeks.

These priorities are obviously not in order, but there they are.  Could someone please tell me what is wrong with my priorities?

My father has absolutely NO understanding of clinical depression, and chooses not to understand it.  I have been hospitalized twice for it when I was in my late teens, and even then, he refused to try.  My psychiatrist tried to explain it to him....he said that I was faking, and proceeded to throw a fit in front of the psychiatrist, as well as exercise his filthy temper.  As a result, he was banned from any further visits...and that was back then...20 years ago.  His ignorance continues, and his failure to try, drives a wedge that will stop him from seeing both myself and my daughter.  My love has never been bought, and neither will my daughter's.  If I will teach her anything, I will teach her that love is NOT conditional.

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"After I was told by our sister that I could not stay with her, I went to the only place that was left...the women's shelter," I told my sister.  "These were the options that I was left with."  She was apparently horrified, but protested that there had to be another option.  I told her AGAIN that my husband had put paid to all of my former relationships while I had been living out of province from him, trying to put put together his dream of returning to his 'hometown'.

'Maybe we can go for coffee tomorrow?' she asked.  I did not see the point of that and told her so.  'Well maybe next week when you are feeling better,'  she attempted to console..
.'What would be the point of that?' I asked her again.... so that she can continue to try and absolve her conscience.  Over my dead body!
'But, I worry about you', she interjected again.  Could someone please explain to me how she can have such a poor opinion of my intelligence?  People who love each other help each other; They do not leave them with whores, transvestitites, and drug addicts...THIS is why children are removed from these situations...they are defined as being very dangerous.  Yes, my darling sister, this is how much you worry; This is how you love.

My sister's reaction was to blame everything on the littlest sister, that had made the offer to let us stay with her.  I told her that she was just as guilty as she offered nothing.  I was gentle at the beginning, until she said,"Well, you can take the jewellery that I have here and sell it!"  Wow!  I couldn't believe it.  She makes $ 250,000+ a year.  She could have given me something...not alot, something to ease the burden...helped me find a home...one needs money for gas to do that, what about deposit money for the property....something!  And she knew from my father that I was very good at paying back large amounts of cash. 

I have to confess at the time that she suggested that I sell my daughter's inheritance I blew my lid with her.  I told her that I was not going to let her hide behind her platitudes.  I told her that I was in one of the more dangerous situations that I could be in, but still she would not take us.  It conflicted too much with her lifestyle.  Then she had the addasity to say, "Well, at least you are where you can get the help that you need."  I was mad.  Tell yourself that, my sister.  Tell yourself whatever it takes to make you sleep better at night.  You are very selfish, and at some time, you will be labled for what you are.  And as for my daughter's inheritance...she may find out that it is due to her soon, if I do not find my way through this mess. GOD knows that my answers do not lie with those who bear the responsibility to help...this crown of oppression is mine to bear...but it is also mine to remember.